My Immortal
by nottheonlyone
Summary: **RECENTLY UPDATED WITH MINOR REVISIONS** The final thoughts of Severus Snape while walking to the shrieking shack, just before his imminent death. Set to the song My Immortal by Evanescence.


***Disclaimer- I own nothing; all hail Queen JKR.**

**A/N- Just a simple fic on Severus Snape's final thoughts. Set to the song My Immortal by Evanescence. This haunting song fits his persona beautifully.**

* * *

_Mudblood._

Just two little words strung together.

Neither particularly offensive in their original form, but when used together they brought devastation.

They ruined the man that was Severus Snape.

Words so powerful that the pain they inflict can literally scar the soul.

_Damn you Lily... damn you for not allowing my penance… even though I did not and never will deserve it._

He always had to add the last part, because as hard as he tried, he couldn't hate her.

* * *

_I'm so tired of being here, suppressed by all my childish fears  
And if you have to leave, I wish that you would just leave  
Your presence still lingers here and it won't leave me alone_

The image of one Severus Snape was one that certainly evoked many emotions. As an adult— mostly fear, some admiration, but never, _ever_ pity.

_If only they knew._

Remembering back to his childhood, it seemed that particular emotion was always in abundance. Everybody pitied him... especially her. In hindsight, he could see the genuine nature of hers from all of the others. Of course that day, that horrible day, he had resented it.

She actually cared. Cared for _him_… and she accepted him. Flaws, attributes, crooked nose, greasy hair, everything.

_Everything._

Everyone else's pity was a kind of falsehood that he frankly detested. It was the kind that people spew onto the beggars of Knockturn alley. Sympathetic glances were always cast in his direction— but those only served to fulfill some bloody moral obligation most people thought that they had. Feel sorry for one helpless case a week, and you have a heart.

_I do not require pity, nor desire it._

But she cared.

* * *

_These wounds won't seem to heal; this pain is just too real  
There's just too much that time cannot erase_

To say Severus was heartless was categorically and imperatively wrong. Oh, he had a heart. A heart filled with so much emotion, pain, and regret that nothing else could possibly fit.

His trademark scowl had become engrained on his face, while in reality its permanence was the result of nothing other than trying to keep the myriad of emotions running through his veins in constant check.

It would do no good being a spy for his two _masters_ if he was a blubbering emotional fool all the time.

* * *

_When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears  
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears  
And I held your hand through all of these years  
But you still have all of me_

The hardest part was in knowing the part he played in her death. He couldn't count the times he had quite literally almost killed Sybil Trelawney for making that damn prophesy in the first place.

Although he knew it, no matter how hard he tried to forget this fact, it simply would never be anyone's fault other than _his_ for telling the bloody dark lord the bloody prophesy.

* * *

_You used to captivate me by your resonating light  
Now, I'm bound by the life you left behind_

He could never find solace with her god forsaken son running around. The savior boy of wonders became akin to his own unspoken combination of heaven and hell.

His heaven, well that was anytime he got a chance to see the boy's eyes. A green so beautiful, and so much engrained upon his soul. It was one that he hadn't seen in many years, but one he never could forget.

That was quite literally also his hell.

Seeing those eyes.

Seeing and knowing they were just a cruel imitation; a mocking green only serving to remind him of the wretched past.

_If he didn't look so much like his bloody father, maybe I wouldn't hate him so much._

He's a constant reminder of what he always dreamed of, but will never have.

* * *

_Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams  
Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me_

It wouldn't be so bad if she didn't come to him perpetually in his dreams. Dream Lily was always there. Of course, in his dreams mind you, she always assured him that he was forgiven.

Forgiveness… rather a simple idea really, but it's quite possibly the most overwhelming force of the universe. To be forgiven is a release; alas, one that Severus would never find. A release he so desperately longed for, yet would not know what to do if he found it.

He would never be forgiven, and least of all by his self.

As much as he abhorred sleep, while he was dreaming it was as if his hollow heart once again held life. When he would wake, however, the emptiness remained—leaving his heart forever sinister and alone.

It remained like a sun whose shine had long ago run out, hanging in the sky like cold, dark reminder of what used to be.

* * *

_These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real  
There's just too much that time cannot erase_

No matter the quantity of dreamless draught he consumed, the guilt was _always _there. The pain, the guilt, the sadness... Something he had learned to live with, and could even become numb to at times... but it was still there, like a sharp pain or a ringing in the ears that over time you just learn to live with.

Time was cruel and blessed in those ways. With time, it never fully went away— never… but you could, Severus discovered, learn to live with things.

* * *

_When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears  
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears  
And I held your hand through all of these years  
But you still have all of me_

He still didn't know why he'd taken that damn portion of letter. It was all he had left to remind him of her, other than her insufferable son, and it wasn't even to him.

_Lots of love, Lily_.

Saying he wished those words were said to him, even once, was a vast understatement.

* * *

_I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone  
But though you're still with me, I've been alone all along_

He walked towards that dark room in the shrieking shack.

_He knows_...

Severus was quite ready to welcome the icy arms of death.

He had overheard the Dark Lord speaking with another that he would be soon acquiring the elder wand.

He would probably use Nagini.

_To hell with him, he can have my life._

The life that had held him on to his own for so long, _so long_— was never more. And the body whom had held said life had since long been decayed. He had to succumb to the realization that no matter how hard he tried, how hard he wished, she would _never_ be back.

And even if she were still alive, she'd never be with him. Severus would never have love, but he did hope that death would be gracious. He'd suffer the _Cruciatous Curse_ from a thousand dark lords in unison to have a peaceful existence, if there were such a thing, after death.

If not, and he actually preferred this option mind you, he could just slip away in to the vast nothingness of forever, one quite like how his heart had become… and maybe, just maybe he could drift away into blissful oblivion.

Always Severus?

_Always._

* * *

_When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears  
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears_

"Look… at … me"

"The green eyes found the black, but after a second, something in the depths of the dark pair seemed to vanish, leaving them fixed, bland, and empty. The hand holding Harry thudded to the floor, and Snape moved no more."

* * *

_And I held your hand through all of these years  
But you still have all of me, me, me._

"He was probably the bravest man I ever knew."


End file.
